I quit drinking coffee six months ago. I now remember why. Long story short: I haven’t drank coffee since our family beach trip back in July. I wrote off coffee for a couple of reasons, namely it makes me feel physically sick half the time and more importantly, it exacerbates my anxiety. But that didn’t keep me from relapsing with a cup of joe over Christmas.
While visiting my mom over the holidays, I decided to drink a cup of coffee. No real ill effects with one 8 ounce cup. We return home and the next day I take it upon myself to drink not one, not two, but three cups of coffee. Hey, it’s the holidays. Terrible idea. Had a full-on coffee-induced panic attack set in. Complete dread. Thought I was going to die. Went and laid in bed trying to be silent about the whole “I think I’m dying” catastrophic thoughts flooding my brain.
The symptoms of my coffee fueled anxiety attack were as follows:
- Sense of impending doom
- Fear of dying
- Shortness of breath
- Racing heart
- Detachment from reality
- Shakiness
My wife could tell I was freaking out on the inside. I don’t know what tipped her off: perhaps me pacing around the house then proceeding to huddle under the covers in bed looking like Smokey from that scene in Friday when his weed gets laced with Angel’s Dust and they find him clucking in the chicken coop.
I didn’t realize it was the coffee at first. Said to her, “Something’s wrong with me.” Then I realized that after returning home from playing basketball with my son for three hours, in which I’d already drank two cups of coffee prior to leaving, that when when I moseyed on in the front door, I immediately brewed my third cup and chugged that liquid nightmare down. Three cups of coffee in less than five hours. Smooth move Jeff. Moderation, man.
“I’m abstaining from coffee again,” I tell my wife. “Once this panic attack leaves my body, I’m writing it off. Shit’s like crack cocaine to my system.” Not that I have any experience with crack cocaine but coffee is one hell of a drug for me. My ADORA2A gene is tripping. I just don’t metabolize the stuff the same way as most human beings on planet earth. Granted, I’m a little skeptical some of you metabolize the stuff correctly too. If you have anxiety like me and drink coffee, maybe rethink it. You’d be amazed at how much different you feel without it.
I’m not talking about reducing the jitters or crashing. Sure, that’s all well and good. I’m speaking of not feeling straight up dread and it spiraling out of control in a raging tsunami of darkness and existential terror. Oh, not you? Well, I know someone reading this knows what I’m talking about — or at the least, a bell is ringing right now. High five, brother. We’re in this together. No coffee crew.
“Can’t go without my coffee,” you say. Drink hot tea. Drop in a little half and half. Green tea, especially, but never on an empty stomach. I’m telling you. Coffee is straight evil if you have an anxiety disorder. The rapid insertion of caffeine into my bloodstream just hits different with the stuff. I don’t really even have an anxiety disorder if I don’t drink coffee. I can think clearly. I’m like a normal human being. Close to one at least. Maybe that’s stretching it.
Anyway, my panic attack subsided after about six hours. What a way to spend a relaxing day off from work: feeling like you can’t catch your breath and that you’re going to die of a heart attack any minute.
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