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The Adventures of Fatherman

Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say To Your Pregnant Wife Who is Full Term and Could Go Into Labor Any Minute

Your wife is pregnant. You aren’t. Here are some things you should never say.

THERE ARE certain things you should never say to your wife when she is pregnant and could go into labor any minute. “Where is my dinner?” is one. Here are ten more.

A list of things you should never say to your pregnant wife

My back hurts

It doesn’t matter if you have an MRI-diagnosed severely herniated disc in your lower back and your doctor recommends a lifelong treatment of steroid injections in your spine, don’t tell your pregnant wife how bad your lower back hurts.

my feet are killing me

Your arches ache, sure. Now place a baby inside and carry that extra weight on your insoles.

You know what’s easy? Tying my shoes.

I could tie my shoes all day, no problem.

Do we have anything other than acetaminophen for a headache?

Perhaps some ibuprofen. You know, something that works.

What’s for dinner?

I’m starving. I could eat for two if only I had a plate in front of me.

Man, I shouldn’t have eaten that last piece of pizza

I feel as big as a cow. And the heartburn. Girl, don’t get me started.

You think you can hold him in there a few more days

When we found out our son Henry’s expected due date was April 15, which is only a few days past our daughter’s birthday, early on in the pregnancy, I said to my wife, “Wouldn’t it be cool if they were born on the same day—April 11?”

It’s okay to say something like that.

It’s not okay to say this on April 12: “I really thought he’d end up with the same birthday as Annabelle. You think you can hold that little fellow in there another 11 months and three weeks and we can try to hit the target again?”

(While in bed at night…) Can you slide over some?

You’re crowding my space.

Alright, don’t go into labor until I finish the grass and get a shower

I just don’t think I could stand to itch that long.

You sure do have to pee a lot at night

Think you could maybe go before you get in bed? You’re really messing with my R.E.M. sleep here.

Photo: William Murphy. “Oscar Wilde’s Wife, Statue.” Licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

By Jeffrey Pillow

Jeffrey Pillow is an American short story writer, memoirist, and poet. He is the author of The Lady Next Door. His writing has been published in Urge Magazine, The Nervous Breakdown, 16 Blocks, USA Today, Sports Illustrated, TheBody.com, New York Times, Washington Post, and Richmond Times-Dispatch.

He grew up in the small town of Phenix, Virginia, population: 200, and now lives in Charlottesville with his wife, two kids, and a dog named Mozzarella Cheese. He is a graduate of the University of Virginia where he was a Rainey Scholar. This is his blog.

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