Nose Hair, Gray Hair: A One-Act Play

Otherwise known as a re-enactment of a conversation my wife and I have at least one night each week about our nose hair and gray hair. Can you relate?

INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM – NIGHT
Steam clings to the bathroom mirror. A nearby dehumidifier in the bedroom hums. Its tank dutifully fills with water. It’s always on this time of year. Its job never done. It runs. It fills. It beeps. The bucket is emptied. It begins again in perpetuity.

A MAN leans close to the mirror. He picks up a pair of tweezers then thinks again. He reaches for tiny scissors. A WOMAN runs her fingers through her hair. Makes a face. Moves closer to mirror.

MAN
I pluck one and three more show up by morning. Plucking hurts. I’m done with it. I’m trimming from this point forward. Don’t have to worry about the Devil’s Triangle at the least.

WOMAN
You won’t die from plucking nose hairs.

MAN
Someone has. But I won’t. That’s not how I’m going out.

WOMAN
You’ll be fine.

MAN
I will because I’m trimming. I think plucking makes the damn things thicker anyway. They return more resilient. Look like harp strings.

WOMAN
Why do you think nose hairs grow faster when you age?

MAN
No clue. Something to do with hormones. Why do I have hair growing on my shoulders now? Why do I fart so much more the older I get? It’s ridiculous. What is the meaning of life? The world may never know.

WOMAN
Aging is fun.

MAN
A riot.

WOMAN
I’m trying to be okay with the natural look. But this gray.

MAN
There’s no such thing as gray. It’s white. Gray hair is a myth.

WOMAN
Gray, white. I look so old. What happened?

MAN
No, you don’t. Do you remember what 40-somethings looked like when we were younger? Old as dirt. They looked 60.

WOMAN
That’s probably what we look like to kids nowadays.

MAN
Not a chance. We look youthful. If I remove these crow’s feet around my eyes, this indent that has somehow formed between my eyes, and painted some Just for Men on my beard, I think I could pass off as a solid 35.

WOMAN
I’m okay with the gray… white… whatever color it is. I just wish it’d slow its spread. Let me come to terms with it. Give me a runway for acceptance. A transition period.

MAN
I think women who dye their hair look silly if that makes you feel any better. Everybody knows your hair isn’t that color lady.

WOMAN
Never dye your hair by the way. Just accept it. I think the gray in your beard is sexy.

MAN
A natural patina. Did I tell you my chest hair, what little I have in terms of chest hair, is turning white? What’s up with that? Does it keep moving southbound on the interstate? I’m not sure I can handle that.

The dehumidifier beeps.

FADE OUT