Personal Musings

The Day After Halloween: A Parent’s Perspective

We must protect our children from the evil that is candy… by eating it

My kids came back from trick-or-treating last night with a satchel full of candy rivaling the bounty in Santa’s sled on Christmas Eve. As a parent on the day after Halloween, I understand my mission: I must sacrifice the well-being of my own tooth enamel for the greater good.

To Sneak, or Not to Sneak: That Is the Question

I don’t sneak any of my kids’ candy after Halloween. I used to, but then I learned honesty is the best policy. Also: my kids somehow knew, despite hundreds of pieces of candy available, how many Mr. Goodbars had gone missing. Answer: six per bag.

It’s a good thing they don’t sell 5th Avenue minis because I would have cleared them out. Why are 5th Avenue candy bars so hard to come by these days? Do people genuinely believe the Butterfinger is the superior candy bar? Have you lost your mind?

Instead of sneaking, I make them consider the joy they will receive by voluntarily giving me some of their candy. The old life lesson: it’s better to give than receive. They don’t realize underlying my motivation is a psychological parenting ploy. No harm, no foul.

Is this wrong? Would my kids’ dentist be opposed to this? I rest my case.

Warheads, Where Have You Been All My Life?

I quit drinking over two years ago, and while there are plenty of solid non-alcoholic (NA) beverages available nowadays, if someone can create an NA brew rivaling Victory Ale’s Sour Monkey, I’d buy the whole lot.

Sour ales were my thing. I don’t miss drinking alcohol. I gave it up for a variety of reasons, which is deserving of its own essay. But I do miss how Sour Monkey would turn my mouth inside out and light up my tastebuds. So when my kids offered me one of their Warheads earlier while we were watching re-runs of Everybody Hates Chris, I thought: Oh, wow! Warheads, where have you been all my life?

Warheads existed when I was younger, but I’m not sure I ever ate one until today. Crybaby sours? Delightful. Warheads? Even better.

Don’t Forget to Brush Your Toofies

If you’re reading this while eating a Twix that’s not your own, don’t feel guilty. As parents, we must do what’s in the best interest of our children. Sacrifices must be made. It comes with the territory. They’ll understand one day. Oh, they will understand one day.

Thank you for reading. P.S. Sorry for a lack of consistent posting the last 30 days. I threw out my back, then apparently I had COVID. I say, “apparently” because I was sick, but thought it bad seasonal allergies or a cold; but now my wife has COVID, tested and confirmed, and is out of commission with a fever, chills, and all that jazz. At least I hope that’s what I had and I don’t wind up with what she currently has. It’s going around big time so be vigilant.

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