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The Adventures of Fatherman

Stuff My Three Year Old Son Said Today: Volume 1

I feel like I need to make this a series of some sort… some ongoing diary cataloguing the usually hilarious, sometimes insightful things my three year old son says. Well, here goes.

I feel like I need to make this a series of some sort… some ongoing diary cataloguing the usually hilarious, sometimes insightful things my three year old son says. I should have done this on a regular basis with my daughter when she was younger too. I did it inconsistently—kept a journal of the things she said. You always say “Oh, I’ll remember that,” but you rarely ever do, no matter how funny or unique it is.

At breakfast

Son: I want a banana.
Me: (I hand him a banana)
Son: I don’t want a banana! I want cheese.
Me: You said you wanted a banana.
Son: I want cheese!
Me: (I hand him cheese)
Son: (Eats cheese)
Me: (Drinks coffee)
Son: I want a banana.
Me: (Hands him a banana)
Son: (Takes one bite of banana) I’m done.

On the ride to school as music plays

That’s my jam.

Walking into pre-school

I don’t have a tick on my penis today. (He had a seed tick in his nether region the day prior)

After school

Son: I saw a real life dragon today at pre-school.
Me: You did?
Son: Yes.

At the dinner table

Son: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Son: I was talking to Mommy.

While I searched for a kid-friendly super hero movie for Family Movie Night on Amazon Instant Video

Look, look! It’s Superman. (As an image of Nacho Libre [Jack Black bare chested wearing a cape] passes by my son’s eyes on the TV screen)

Superman after eating lots of nachos
Superman after eating lots of nachos

During the movie

Son: I like bad guys. Bad guys are good. Batman is a bad guy.
Me: Batman is a good guy.
Son: Batman is a bad guy.
Daughter: Batman is a good guy Henry.
Son: I said Batman is a bad guy.
Daughter: No, Batman is a good guy.
Son: Batman is a bad guy (Then he makes this squealing sound which sounds like what I can only imagine a pterodactyl sounds like regurgitating its meal for its baby pterodactyls in the nest perched high atop a tree during the late Triassic period)

A little while later during the movie

Son: Motzie tooted. (Motzie is our dog)
Daughter: Ewww!
Son: I’m gonna toot on your pooty butt butt.
Daughter: I’m gonna toot on your pooty butt butt face tooty butt head.

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By Jeffrey Pillow

Jeffrey Pillow is an American short story writer, memoirist, and poet. He is the author of The Lady Next Door. His writing has been published in Urge Magazine, The Nervous Breakdown, 16 Blocks, USA Today, Sports Illustrated, TheBody.com, New York Times, Washington Post, and Richmond Times-Dispatch.

He grew up in the small town of Phenix, Virginia, population: 200, and now lives in Charlottesville with his wife, two kids, and a dog named Mozzarella Cheese. He is a graduate of the University of Virginia where he was a Rainey Scholar. This is his blog.

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