Even if the whole universe is nothing but a bunch of jerks doing all kinds of jerk-type things, there is still liberation in simply not being a jerk.
Brad Warner, Don’t Be a Jerk: And Other Practical Advice from Dogen, Japan’s Greatest Zen Master
I live by a simple philosophy: someone is going to be a jerk to me today. I don’t know who. I don’t know when it will happen. I don’t know where. But there’s a strong likelihood it’s going to happen. If you believe I have a pessimistic worldview because of this belief, let me assure you of the contrary. Understanding this translates into a more positive outlook on life.
Why jerks rarely catch me off-guard now
Jerks, a-holes, or your preferred synonym, used to catch me completely off-guard. “What did I do to you?” I’d think. Why do you feel the need to treat me this way? How would you like it if I returned the favor? Because I can. But I’m choosing not to go that route. Not because you intimidate me.
I choose not to return the favor because I don’t want to be a jerk like you. It’s that simple. I think you’re an a-hole and I don’t want to be like that. I think you live a sad existence. You’re insecure, ego-centric, and filled with anger. Being a jerk gives you a false sense of power. But that’s not power you feel. It’s weakness in disguise.
Nowadays, it’s rare for a jerk to surprise me. They may for a few seconds. But not enough to ruin my entire day — except on rare occasion. Because I know they are lurking, somewhere. And when they pop their head out, I’m ready.
I don’t sit around all day wondering where the jerk is. When they’ll barge into my day without knocking. It’s not like that. But when they do arrive unannounced, it takes about ten seconds for me to remember my philosophy. And I say to myself in the moment:
Ah, there’s my Jerk of the Day.
The cool thing about this is a pattern you recognize: there’s usually one jerk in your day. Not two. Not three. Not ten. There’s one. Two is possible but on rare occasion. More than two in a day may be a sign that you are the jerk and people are tired of your s—t and letting you know.
Once you embrace my ‘Jerk of the Day’ life philosophy, it makes the rest of your day so much better. You ruminate less. You don’t stir in your own anger, frustration, or confusion nearly as long. Instead of your brain trying to solve the unsolvable riddle of “why would someone do that to me?” your brain defaults to, “Oh, there’s my jerk” and you move on.
How to handle jerks (with a smile)
This goes back to what I said earlier, which is: don’t stoop down to a jerk’s level. It takes time. It’s hard. You’re not swallowing your pride. Push that thought aside. And it doesn’t make you a smaller person. The opposite. You’re a bigger person because you are actively choosing not to be an a-hole. And it’s worth it. It’s also, if I do say so myself, gratifying.
If you’re a jerk to me, talk down to me, or try to assert your will over me and you find that I’m being super-duper nice in response, it’s because I think you’re a complete f—king a-hole. Jerk of the Day material with an invite to our annual awards ceremony. Congratulations on your prize.
“Kill ’em with kindness” is the saying. I’m not snarky about it. The kindness is genuine. I’m being kind to you because you clearly need it in the moment. Because today, you are a piece of s—t, and every piece of s—t needs a square or two of toilet paper. It’s three-ply and quilted. Nice and soft. Here, have a ply.
Where do jerks live and how can I avoid them?
Jerks live in all kinds of places, in the physical world and online. Jerks are anywhere and everywhere.
The most common jerks
There’s the road rage jerk.1 The work jerk. The email jerk. Sometimes ‘work’ and ’email’ encapsulating the same jerk if you’re employed in a toxic workplace. The random stranger at a place of business you are visiting jerk. If you’re a student, you may run into the condescending teacher or the mean girl or guy jerk. There’s the neighbor you see every day even if you don’t want to that doesn’t like you but you have no idea why jerk.
Not as common in your daily life jerks but still jerks
There’s the over-involved sports parent who thinks their child is the second coming of Pele, MJ, or Joe Montana jerk. The coach who thinks they are motivating their players but is really making them hate the sport jerk. The relative not part of your immediate family who thinks we all care about their political opinion and if you dare say anything they will go full nuclear jerk.
The common but avoidable if you so choose online jerk
Now, I will say one thing about the online jerk. They appear a vast army mainly because modern man and woman managed to f—k up the Internet royally by deciding etiquette is a thing of the past. Instead, here’s a bullhorn and the ability to reach thousands and potentially millions with the tap of a button.
The online jerk is the most insecure of all jerks because they hide away behind a keyboard while sciatica nibbles at their right leg and toes. They are also the loudest and can hit you with rapid-fire jerkiness in a matter of seconds.
If you routinely engage with an online jerk, that’s on you. There’s a reason this saying exists on the Internet:
Don’t feed the trolls.
If you’re on social media, watch or read the news online, browse Substack Notes, or ever visit the front-page of Reddit, you may think there are more jerks than non-jerks on the world wide web. But there aren’t. It means one thing: you need to change your scenery because you’re in a negative environment. The algorithm has wrapped itself around you and doesn’t want to let go.
But it’s in your control to change.
If you stay or engage, again, it’s on you.
Make jerks a thing of the past
Jerks used to ruin my entire day. They’d cloud it. I could’ve had a day replete with 95% awesomeness and that 5% sliver of jerkiness would overshadow it for the remainder of the hours in my day. If you were a jerk to me at 9 AM, the thought of our interaction would pop into my head every hour on the hour until I fell asleep.
Once asleep, my subconscious brain would continue wrestling with what the jerk said or did, attempting to make sense of it. Find a resolution. Brains like solving problems. Days would go by. Weeks. Months. Jerks of the past congregating with jerks of the present in my gray matter.
But not every problem can be solved. A jerk is a jerk. To be a jerk means to live life as a riddle covered in skin and held up by bones, tendons, and ligaments: what made a jerk a jerk? The world may never know, much less the jerk themselves.
I could sit here and give dozens of examples of someone being a jerk to me over the course of my life — even recently. You could, too. Not to mention the times we, ourselves, have been jerks to someone else. Did we recognize it and did we apologize?
No one forgets a jerk. Jerks are stored deep in the recesses of our brains. Evolutionary hardwiring. But instead of letting jerks live front and center in your day when they run up on you like a well-trained happiness assassin, make them a thing of the past.
Like the Keanu Method, employ a different philosophy to deal with jerks when they present themselves. See them for what they are: the Jerk of the Day. Don’t let their negativity permeate an otherwise good day.
First, give the jerk grace. It’s impossible to know what someone is dealing with in the moment.2 That doesn’t give them permission to walk all over you, however. And if grace isn’t working, visualize pinning a blue ribbon on their miserable forehead. If it doesn’t stick, smack it — wearing a smile, of course.
If you enjoyed this essay, it’s within the realm of possibilities you’ll like another essay I wrote: This Is How I Know My Wife Is a Better Person Than I Am.
Footnotes