I turn 43 years old in a couple of days. This means I’ll officially be as old as the world’s longest living goldfish named Tish. Coincidentally, a male goldfish. Poor guy. Lived 43 years with the abbreviated name of a lady fish. Reminds me of my cat Gus, a girl, that lived into her mid-20s. She had a brother, Jack, and both were named after the mice in Cinderella. Gus was the chunky one at birth and Jack the beanpole — as in the movie.
My sister Jennifer and I were responsible for naming the cats. Jack, we got right. Gus, we mistook her nether regions. She didn’t seem to care. She was a cat after all. Gus once tried to kill herself by taking a nap in our clothes dryer. Thankfully, I heard her yelping before church. I always had to know where she was before we left. She survived and would go on to live another twenty-plus years after the traumatic incident.
RIP Gus.
Gone but not forgotten.
Where was I?
Birthday.
Imparting wisdom.
That’s right.
Turning 43 means something else. I’m now as old as my wife who married a younger man. Soon enough, come February, she will be older than me again and all will be right in the universe. I married an older woman and this is what the turning of the axis, ocean currents, and lunar phases demand. Require.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you to excuse the title of this essay. I regurgitated the food I ate earlier today typing it out. Oh, and that it’s a listicle really. Not even an essay. A departure from what is ordinary here.
But. There’s always a but. Writing an essay of this nature is a thing writers do on the Internet. At least, it appears to be a theme with the mega-successful ones. The anointed gurus of the world wide web, who have corresponding YouTube accounts and podcasts and personal assistants, of which I have neither.
Those who offer platitudes and moral guidance for the masses that read like Pinterest quotes written in a cursive font.
I figured why not write one myself and keep it real and not overly serious from start to finish. All this gathered wisdom within my aging soul with nowhere to impart upon. Granted, since I’m three years late in writing a 40 Life Lessons I Learned at 40 (I Wish I Knew When I Was 20), my list will be a touch different.
- There’s no such thing as gray hair. Gray hair is a myth. The hair is white. My gray hair, sorry: white hair, is blonde. My kids disagree. It’s white, they tell me. But I’m the one wearing glasses with magnification so I’m fairly certain I can see the finest of details.
- The hardest part about being a parent isn’t parenting your own kids. It’s dealing with other parents who think their children are angels.
- Read at least one poem a day, every day. It’s good for the heart. The mind. The soul. All poetry is not about unrequited love. There’s some poets, past and present, that’ll blow your socks off.
- Walking is an underrated physical activity.
- The Buddha is not your personal self-help guru. If you don’t actually practice Buddhism, stop quoting him in your personal growth essay. It’s not even an actual quote from the Buddha. That’s a Satchel Paige quote. Or Mark Twain. Perhaps neither. The origin is likely from a newspaper column written in 1931 by some random guy living in Idaho.
- Your loved ones who passed away are always with you. They will forever be embedded in your chemical make-up. Don’t forget and don’t shut them out. They still want to hang out. They are called memories.
- Buy a bicycle and ride that motherf—ker like you’re ten years old again. Riding bikes is fun.
- If you skateboard after forty, you’re probably going to tear your rotator cuff and shoulder labrum when you slap onto the ground in your driveway while your neighbor is watering his flowers across the street. It’s true.
- Listen to your favorite albums from beginning to end like you did when that s—t was on a cassette tape. Music streaming is cool, but listening to an album from start to finish is a different experience. The songs were purposely arranged and ordered the way they are by the musician/band and producer for a reason. Song tracks are like chapters in a book. Don’t skip ahead. Listen to the whole story.
- Cul de sacs are a plague on childhood adventure. They are circular boundaries. Stop watching the news. Cleanse your mind. Let kids explore.
- Your kids will learn more from a glowing screen than you if you’re not careful.
- Public schools need to communicate less with parents. Stop texting, emailing, and calling me multiple times a day. I don’t need to know every assignment or upcoming test or quiz my kid is responsible for. That’s their job. Builds accountability. Constant communication is not good communication. It’s overkill.
- Speaking of which, bring back textbooks and paper in the learning environment. Myopia is on the rise for a reason. Not to mention: these apps and homework platforms are a disorganized nightmare to navigate and you sending me a link to the assignment does nothing. I’m not a student and can’t login.
- Advertising isn’t evil, but it’s usually poorly targeted. Why am I seeing Depends undergarment ads while streaming Lethal Weapon the TV show? I turned 43 today, not 76. Great show by the way. Riggs played in A Walk to Remember.
- Self-help gurus don’t really want to help you. They only want you to think that so you buy whatever it is they are selling: a book, a product, an online course. Maybe click their affiliate link so they earn a commission. But care about you?
- The most punk rock thing a kid can do nowadays is not to be on social media of any kind.
- Don’t just read a classic novel or what’s deemed an author’s best work. It’s likely not the work they consider their best. The work they wrote that’ll kick you in the nads the most is/was their worst seller.
- Nothing is dead. Nothing truly ever dies. Everything is impermanent which means alive or dead is never a permanent state. This goes for friends and family who passed, blogging, attention spans, clouds.
- Your thoughts are your reality.
- Target shouldn’t have so many check-out lanes if they aren’t going to man them. I’m not doing self-checkout unless you take off $5.
- Woody Harrelson stars in the two greatest basketball movies of all-time: White Men Can’t Jump and Champions.
- Sometimes a Great Notion by Ken Kesey is one of the greatest American novels ever written. This book should replace The Great Gatsby being taught in schools. The Great Gatsby isn’t that great.
- If the world made any sense, Be Brief and Tell Them Everything by Brad Listi would be on the New York Times bestseller list for 100 weeks and counting. But the world doesn’t make any sense and books like this, as powerful a narrative as it is in its messaging, fall into obscurity.
- Crows are flying monkeys and I love my three flying monkeys who visit me every day.
- Aging dogs fart a lot. Loudly. But I love my old dog’s farts. A pet is never just a pet. They are family.
- What was a hobby you enjoyed when you were nine or ten years old? Return to it. I bet you’ll still like it. Where are my GI Joe action figurines?
- Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If you can’t answer “yes” to all three, don’t allow the words to exit from your mouth.
- Find the humor in the absurdity that is life.
- Algorithms will always cater to what is popular, no matter how well-meaning. Seek out artists on your own accord and support what they do.
- A text message will never replace your friend’s voice. Find a reason to talk every now and again if seeing each other in person is not an option at the moment.
- Youth sports should be about learning teamwork, camaraderie, and development. It sucks to lose, but winning should be at the bottom of the list. Not the top.
- Date nights are as important in marriage as pre-wedding. That’s what supposed relationship experts say. Of course, if you’re a parent and aren’t wealthy enough to afford dinner and a babysitter, there’s zero chance you’ll go on as many. Instead: carve out time each day (or week) when you and your significant other can focus on one another as husband and wife, not mom and dad. It can be as simple as taking a walk together.
- Don’t be a jerk on the Internet or in real life. No one thinks you’re a badass. We just think you’re an a-hole and make a conscious decision not to stoop down to your level.
- Allow your children to resolve their own minor conflicts. Interpersonal relationships and communication are a crucial part of childhood development. Keep your adult perspective out. My closest friends in life once punched me and I punched them. We argued. Didn’t talk for days. Seemingly hated each other for a short time. Guess who I’m still close with today, forty years later?
- Opinions aren’t facts. This is taught in elementary school. Don’t forget it in adulthood.
- Nature is your friend. Lay down and look up at a tree. Watch squirrels play. Visit the mountains. Breathe in deeply. Squish sand between your toes. Walk in the shallows of a river. We were designed for this life. Central heating and air and the comforts of indoors are a mirage.
- Write something every day. A sentence. A paragraph. An observation. You see life differently this way. Keep a notebook or save it in plain text. Don’t use mark-up. Use a markdown or plain text editor. The txt extension isn’t software-dependent. It’s portable and readable and doesn’t rely on updates to work. That was true thirty years ago and is true today. It’ll be true in another thirty.
- Print photos and place them in a hard copy album once a year. The walk down memory lane is different than scrolling away on your phone.
- Anxiety is imprisoned creativity looking for an escape. Tap into your creativity through writing, drawing, painting, or playing music. Make it a routine. Trapped inside, creativity will manifest as anxiety and eat away at your mind.
- When depression takes hold, the last thing you want to do are the things you enjoy. The hobbies. The activities. But it’s the first thing you should do. At the least, take a walk. Change your scenery. Remember: it’ll pass. It may come again. But it’ll pass again, too.
- Don’t just tell your significant other you love them. Tell them why. The same goes for your children. Don’t settle for “I love you.” Try “I love you because…”
- Picture who will be seated in the first two to three rows at your funeral. Those are the relationships you need to nourish the most. If you’re in better communication with someone on social media than those people, you need to re-order your priorities. Relationships worth having take effort. Put in the work. Reap the rewards of love.
- The tub of individual double-bubble chewing gum needs to return to convenience stores. So do 25 cents bags of chips. I can’t afford to take my kid to a corner store these days. A bag of chips for $2.69? Are you kidding me. We must unite and protest this abomination.
There you have it. My imparted wisdom to you on my forty-third birthday. If there’s one you fancy, copy and paste it and share with a friend along with the link to this story. I think we can all agree on #20.
P.S. Happy birthday to my second grade teacher Ms. Hartso, my mother-in-law, Devon, my dad (RIP), and anyone else with a birthday around this time of year.
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