I don’t know how many other parents feel this way, but I basically feel like a failure as a parent more than a roaring success. What does “successful parenting” even look like, and is it an actual thing?
You can’t exactly measure it. You can try in the form of:
- grades
- behavior
- interests in hobbies and sports
But a good grade doesn’t mean they enjoy school. They might be stressed as hell and you don’t recognize it.
Good behavior might seem like a win. But do they feel like they have a level of independence and a voice of their own?
Maybe they’re good at sports. But do they love the sport or are they just playing it because they have a natural disposition for it — or think they are supposed to because that’s what every other kid their age is doing?
Once your kids hit a certain age, they tune you out more and more. They hear some things and not the others. They hear more than you realize, of course. We were all once kids. We know how that goes. My dad may have thought I was ignoring him half the time, but I was listening. Years after he shed his advice onto me, I still heard it loud and clear in the back of my mind.
Thank goodness.
I remember when I was fifteen years old, just before I got my driver’s license, and him telling me never to drink and drive.
If you go to a party and you drink, even if you’re not supposed to, keep your behind there. Bring some food and a bottle of water. Crash on a couch. Sleep in your car. I’d tell you to call home and we’d come pick you up, but I know you won’t do that.
Wisdom from my dad
I crashed on a couch or slept in my car many times before I turned 21. Prior to every party, I dipped into B&D Mart and grabbed essential supplies for the wee hours of the night:
- Bag of chips
- Box of peanut butter bars
- Fifth Avenue candy bar
- Bottle of water
My cousin Gary used to get a kick out of the food I’d have on hand at 2 AM.
Are those country ham biscuits in your pocket? Did you just pull a country ham biscuit out of your pocket? Is that aluminum foil?
Gary on multiple occasions
Part of me feels like an imposter when it comes to parenting.
Is imposter syndrome a thing in parenting? I often wish my dad was still alive so I could bounce questions off him. Get a dad’s point of view of it all:
- Am I doing this right?
- What do I do here?
The imposter part comes up because, honestly, I didn’t see my dad a ton growing up. I can pretend I did all I want. But I didn’t. Not because he was an absent father or anything like that. Nothing of this nature. Now, all these years later, I feel like I’m playing a part I’m not terribly familiar with.
My dad worked third shift my entire life until he was diagnosed with a rare cancer at age 49, and was finally able to get reprieve from the night shift.
I rarely saw him during the week. He got in from work after I’d left for school. When I returned from school, he was sound asleep. I pretty much lived outside at the basketball court so I wouldn’t wake him. When I went to bed at night, he was getting ready to wake up and leave for work — an hour’s drive away.
I saw him more during the summer. But I didn’t see him 75% of my childhood. It’s not a knock on my dad. There weren’t many jobs nearby. He did what he did so we’d have food in our bellies, a roof over our head, and clothes on our bodies.
Sounds cliche but it was on point for my childhood.
When I began college at the University of Virginia, my dad came up for parent orientation. UVA sold him on the value of their diploma — hook, line, and sinker. He said something that’s always stuck with me:
Get a degree from here and you don’t have to do what I did all your life: work third shift. You don’t have to be away from your family or hardly ever see them. They don’t put your grades on your diploma. Just graduate. You can get any job you want.
I graduated. Got a job. Started a family. I’m here with them, every day. But I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.
Completely winging it.
Maybe every parent is.
Or maybe someone has figured out the secret sauce.
But I’d guess most are in a similar boat as me. No clue if we’re doing this right.
It’s easier to see or feel love when they’re little. They can’t hide it. It just bursts out of them. But once they inch toward the teen years, it’s anyone’s guess half the time.
So, depending on the day or the hour, I feel like I’m doing an okay job. Then a bad job. Then a decent job. Then I’m failing. Then I’ve made progress. Then the mirage comes crashing down. Then the sun’s out again.
Who knows?
Definitely not me.
Anyone relate to this?
Anyone?
This thing on?
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