Categories
Humor

Not Your Typical Shopping List

Photo by Bruno Kelzer on Unsplash

It is my general viewpoint that we take life way too seriously. By “we,” I mean adults. Often, I think of ways to spice up life and insert a little humor into the day. That’s why I’ve threatened to create the following shopping list for Walgreens, to which my wife has replied, “Please, don’t.”

If you’d like to partake in this humor but don’t like gummie bears, consider substituting a pack of Twizzlers.

Walgreens shopping list

Studded condoms
Astroglide lube
Rubber gloves
A canister of Penn tennis balls
Duct tape
Clorox bleach
Adult diapers
A copy of US Weekly with a Golden Girls tribute
And, a pack of gummie bears

Instructions for check-out

As you place your items down at the register, politely ask the cashier if they happen to sell 10 x 10’ tarps and rope or, at the least “durable twine.” Make mention that you already checked the arts and crafts section, but the yarn just won’t cut it. Otherwise, you will have to make another pit stop at Lowe’s, and that would be a shame.

When the cashier responds, “No,” respond gently, “An American travesty.”

As you pay, entirely in cash I may add while wearing black Isotoner gloves, do so with a straight face. You may find this difficult, but by pinching the small portion of meat between your thumb and index finger, it will be possible. Exit the building and place your items in the trunk of your vehicle, looking around suspiciously as you do so. Casually return into the store to grab a bottle of baby oil, swimming goggles, and a water gun, and say to the cashier, “Can’t forget these. My wife would kill me.”

By Jeffrey Pillow

Jeffrey Pillow is an American short story writer, memoirist, and poet. He is the author of The Lady Next Door. His writing has been published in Urge Magazine, The Nervous Breakdown, 16 Blocks, USA Today, Sports Illustrated, TheBody.com, New York Times, Washington Post, and Richmond Times-Dispatch.

He grew up in the small town of Phenix, Virginia, population: 200, and now lives in Charlottesville with his wife, two kids, and a dog named Mozzarella Cheese. He is a graduate of the University of Virginia where he was a Rainey Scholar. This is his blog.

3 replies on “Not Your Typical Shopping List”

If I were standing behind you in the checkout line, my first response would be Oh My Word…I watch too many true crime tv shows. Then I would have a good laugh. The makings for a true life crime plot perhaps!!!

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