Tweets I would tweet if I still had a Twitter account: #2

Randomly asks co-workers: “Have you tried new Keurig flavor Buttercream Dream?” Then immediately answers own question: “Too die for.”

Told daughter peas were made of bacon and it worked. Told myself same thing and was disappointed.

Internet search at 16: “Rancid, punk rock bass tabs.” Internet search at 32: “natural cure for hemorrhoids.”

Wonders if Fabio still has long hair

(1/4)Daughter said she wanted to go to work too: I responded frantically and wild eyed, sweating profusely: “Never work for Corporate America, honey. (2/4)They will eat you alive and spit you out and move on to the next guy and make him feel like he has to work even on his day off too. It’s terrible. (3/4)Terrible I tell you.” Thinking perhaps I may have overdone it when daughter began to console me as I sobbed and whimpered uncontrollably (4/4)while laying in fetal position on rug at front door.

Couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter and was right

Once collected Gulf War trading cards

Really liked Freddy Kruegers’s sweater

Used to drink King Cobra and Hurricane and MD 20/20 like it won’t nobody’s business (pronounced bih-niss) . . . when I was 15

Just don’t mix with alcohol and valium. That’s what happened to Whitney.

Unable to find setting on iPhone that changes autocorrect option to “improper English”

Just did Wikipedia search for”Michael Landes.” Disappointed in return result. Meant to search for “Michael Landon”