Tis the season I YouTube how to wrap a Christmas present. It’s not that I’m bad at wrapping a gift without it looking like it was done by the hand of Freddy Krueger.[1] It’s that, actually, that’s exactly it. And the paper, how it curls and never stays flat when I try to cut the edges as if someone, some god-like being is watching me from the heavens above, playing this cruel game with me, and laughing.
“Look at you,” the god-like figure says half dressed in only a cotton loin cloth, “Look how you fail over and over… you pathetic excuse for a human being.”
With that in mind, here’s a list of things I dislike strongly yet would still rather do than wrap a gift.
Math
Particularly algebra II, and might I add I failed algebra II twice. If you’ve ever wondered if you can fail summer school, the answer is yes, yes you can. Excuse me, final grade, but are you telling me I spent a large chunk of the summer of 1996 as a hormone-fueled adolescent male trapped inside an ice cold building learning algebraic equations with fully clothed human beings when I could have been sitting at the picnic table situated in the shade at Phenix pool looking at girls in bikinis while drinking a cold Mountain Dew? You better give me a C.
Drive through a toll
If you ever want to see a person go into full blown panic mode, set up a toll booth on a road I’m about to drive down. I’d rather lay in a bed of seven thousand hungry baby spiders while covered in dead insects as they feast than enter a toll area. “Where’s my change? Oh, no! I don’t have correct change. What do I do? OMG! We’re all going to die! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! I need to call Robbie!”
Buy groceries on a Sunday at Harris Teeter
Seriously, hire some more people to work Sunday. The wait time is uncalled for. No, I don’t want to use self-checkout. I want you to stop trying to maximize profits by automating a job a human being can easily do. If I’m ringing up and bagging my own groceries, you better pay me, not the other way around. I’m trying to save American jobs. You, you just save me time. That’s all I ask. I plea.
Listen to the song “Mary, Did You Know” on repeat
I don’t know. Maybe not.
Alright, well, back to trying to wrap these gifts last minute on Christmas Eve. My wife is going to be perturbed if she finds out I’ve been writing a blog post instead of wrapping. Oh, wait she’s a subscriber. She’s going to get an email notification about this. I love you girl. You’re my star in the darkest of nights.
Merry Christmas Eve from your favorite blogger.
— Mark Manson Seth Godin Jeffrey Pillow
P.S. If you didn’t read it last year, check out “A Christmas (Eve) to Remember.”
P.S.S. If you laughed reading this, share the funny. Laughing is good.
Notes
[1] I was going to insert an image of Freddy Krueger here with the caption, “Would you like some assistance folding the edges?” but all photos of Freddy Krueger are subject to copyright. Thanks for spoiling the fun Wes Craven
Photo: Craig D. “Christmas Present.” Licensed under CC BY 2.0