Coaching Advice From Your New Soccer Coach Who Knows Nothing About Soccer

By Jeffrey Pillow on March 30, 2019 — 1 min read

So, apparently my wife volunteered me to coach my son’s soccer team today since their normal coach is out of town. It’s worth mentioning here that I know absolutely nothing about soccer.

Outside of once playing goalie in gym class in middle school roughly twenty five years ago, my first real introduction to soccer was about three weeks ago when we signed my son up to play. I’ve never even played a soccer video game. The most knowledge I have of soccer is that the ball is round like a basketball. Hey, I know basketball. Is soccer anything like basketball?

In preparation for today’s coaching duties, which begin in T-minus three hours, I plan to watch a short five minute YouTube video on what is soccer and how do you play it.

I’ve also prepared a motivational team speech that goes like this:

Hey, kids. I’m Coach Pillow. Funny name, right? Well, you want to know something even funnier? I’m your coach today and I know absolutely nothing about soccer except that you kick the ball and can’t use your hands unless you are the goalie or do that throw-in thing you all do on the sidelines.

As a matter of fact, every single one of you knows more about soccer than I do. Lastly, I don’t know any of your names except Henry here, and if you tell me your name right now I’m going to forget it in three seconds because I’m terrible at remembering names.

So, whoever you are, let’s go out there and have some fun and kick the ball in the other goal a bunch of times, and DESTROY our opponent.

No mercy!

Cobra Kai!

Sweep the leg, Johnny.

Sweep the leg!

Sorry, I just got a little carried away there.

Anyway, when it’s all said and done, and you carry this team to victory and the remnants of our opponent are carted off the field in shame, we’ll enjoy some juice boxes and sugar cookies.

Whose with me?

Count of three.

1-2-3 TEAM!

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    • It was interesting. On the one hand, I had to remind the kids to pay attention and not randomly bellyflop on the ground or play air guitar while on defense, but it was fun. Surprisingly, we won, not that that really matters with this age range. We had a new kid join the team today, who was at the upper range for age and had played for three years and pretty much dominated out there.

  • Hilarious! I only know what I know from the game duty I had to participate in at CMS when I was the photographer one year!

    • Ha. Yeah, I know zip about soccer. Thankfully, Henry’s age group, most of the rules (like offsides) don’t really apply. It’s mainly a bunch of kids running up and down the field kicking a ball and kicking each other in the shin.

    • I survived. It got a little too competitive to be honest. Not because of me. There was a new kid that joined who has been playing a few years and was a little older than most of the others who was just scoring left and right. I mainly stood on the sidelines just encouraging the kids to pay attention and saying things like, “Good hustle.”

  • Everything I learned about soccer was taught by Mr. Heintzleman and Ms. Hicks at the old CMS. Sixth grade. So let’s see, that would have been when I was 11/12, and I’m now 37. Cheers to you for giving it a shot!