Shit Happens

Resolve It

No matter how many times you awaken to find that your daughter has taken off her pajamas and diaper, this all after dropping mad crazy deuces in her crib, it is simply an experience to which you never fully adjust. That isn’t to say you do not know how to handle it, having now experienced it multiple times:

1. Start the bath water
2. Grab the Clorox wipes
3. Snag a garbage bag (you will need a clean transport for the dirty sheets, blankets, and stuffed animals you will later take down to the washing machine)
4. Scream for help to your wife downstairs who is making maple and brown sugar oatmeal
5. Take a deep breath, enter your toddler’s room
6. Quickly whisk her from her soiled bed sheets, making sure to gently shake any dried residoodoo from her naked body before hovering her over your nice white carpet
7. Say, “Oh my God. This is disgusting” three times while holding back gagging and taking out pacifier from daughter’s mouth because it may contain turd
8. Place daughter in tub
9. When wife arrives to take over reigns on bath duty, re-enter toddler’s bedroom double-fisting Clorox wipes. First remove and trash useless diaper. (Can’t they come with zippers and buttons… and padlocks?)
10. Use mattress cover to swaddle all other bed sheets, including blankets and stuffed animals
11. Place in garbage bag, pull drawstring
12. Wipe down crib railings
13. Check ceiling fan. Seriously, check the ceiling fan
14. Come this close to vomiting, then pull back. You’re a pro, remember! A fucking pro!
15. Grab garbage bag, shut bedroom door (so dog doesn’t eat poo on carpet), run downstairs and start wash
16. Take out soiled linens and spray Resolve Laundry Stain Remover where needed — probably everywhere
17. Throw items in wash, close lid
18. Breathe sigh of relief
19. Run back upstairs and spray Resolve Carpet High Traffic Foam on nice white carpet where poo was flung
20. Turn ceiling fan on high while Resolve sits for 10 minutes or until dry, then vacuum
21. Wash hands and return to your 21-month-old daughter’s room where she is currently smelling like roses after a nice AM shower and smiling at you with that sweet smile of hers
22. Give her a kiss, then realize you didn’t brush her teeth yet and she may have eaten poo

By nature, it’s just, well: nasty and unpleasant. But it’s part of the parenting job, that bullet point in the job description that says: “And other related duties as assigned.” The sheer grossness of poo in the bed wouldn’t be all that bad if your child didn’t wallow in it, squish it between her fingers and rub it all over the crib railings and in her hair as if it were Aussie Sprunch Hair Mousse + Leave-in Conditioner. This all at 7:30 AM on a Sunday morning. When you need to leave for the church early service at 8:00 AM because your wife has nursery duty and then a committee meeting shortly thereafter.

Know the feeling? Do share.

Seacrest out.